God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
