I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
