worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
