You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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