I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
