I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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