I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
