how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
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the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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