I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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