Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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