so that wasnt chicken after all
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
