I met the friendliest cop last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
