Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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