woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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