I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Even my vagina gasped.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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