you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
