I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i've created a new STD.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
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