can u get pink eye on your cock?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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