Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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