I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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