so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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