Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
