I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?