Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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