There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.