I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
