My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
