grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
