I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
