I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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