please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
