I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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