So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
