one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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