I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
