I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
