it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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