just come out here and I will go home with you...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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