she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
