Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
