Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
