he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
