i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
