Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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