Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
