Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You made out with two different species that night
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
