Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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