first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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