I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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