You made me cry and you don't even care
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
