I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
