I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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