got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
