I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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