dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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