my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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