If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
