Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
