never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
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Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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