Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
